This therapist’s post is a great example of why you should be patient with new relationships

Alyssa Manncao, a psychotherapist, has posted a new Instagram post explaining why it’s not all about finding a spark. Instead, they are formed over time and through a deeper connection.

Most of us have grown up with a lot of cultural food that teaches us that great relationships require spark and chemistry. It’s a red signal that you and your date are not compatible.

Alyssa Mancao, a LA-based psychotherapist, points out that chemistry and compatibility can be two different things.

Mancao offers some insight for those who «rush, overlap, or cushion» new relationships. He says, «Give yourself permission and allow time to unfold.»

Mancao says that chemistry can be felt very early in a relationship, but compatibility is what keeps the flame burning. It develops over time and forms deeper connections.

Research has shown that we are more impatient today than ever thanks to our digital age and its instant gratification. It’s not surprising that many people expect their dating chemistry to be delivered on a plate, despite our diminishing attention spans at work and in life generally.

Given that it takes us just 27 seconds to make a first impression, most new relationships will struggle to gain traction if everything is based on this initial response.

A Scientific Reports study published in January this year shows there is such a thing called a spark. Researchers define it as being two people who are «highly synchronous» and «attuned during a relationship» in terms body language and social cues. The paper’s authors stated that this results in «their mutual romantic interest and sexual desire being high as well».

Mancao says that it’s not necessary to force this feeling. She also believes that we shouldn’t panic if it doesn’t appear when we first meet someone new. She says that although many people may have regressed to old patterns in their search for a spark, it is possible to change your mind and help new connections gain the momentum they need.

According to a New York Times article, 36 questions are required for someone to fall in love. The questions Aron asks are deep and force two people to share their most intimate secrets to each other in a series that gets more personal and potentially awkward.

This would be a courageous move to make on a first date. Maybe the producers of Married at First Sight should take notice. The point is that great relationships, romantic or otherwise, are not built on instant chemistry. Instead, mutual trust, vulnerability, and a willingness to be vulnerable are key ingredients to slowly building a relationship with one another. It may take more time than you think to develop that sense of closeness.