Why I will not date for some time

Deepti Vempati, Love Is Blind’s Season 2 finale, said, «I choose me.» I was stunned and pondering her words for days. These three words sum up the moment I am in. In the last few months, my relationship life has been a subject of deep reflection. It’s only the beginning at 22. There’s still a lot to be taken in.

At 15, I was in my first relationship. As many high school students, I was eager for those «first love» moments. Initial, I found the dynamic between me and my partner exciting and fun. Our relationship was really fun and exciting. We would go to movies together, dress up in matching clothes (cringey…I know), and chat for hours after school. It became unhealthy after the two-and-half years of our relationship. He was manipulative and emotionally abusive. Each day was a rollercoaster ride, because I didn’t know what kind of him I would be dealing with each day. Although I knew our relationship was toxic, we had been together for years and it fostered mutual dependence that made it difficult to separate. One month after I started college, we split up.

Singleness felt strange as I moved into my next chapter of adulthood. I felt that I had to be with someone else. My insecurity at that point in my life led me to believe that I needed validation from others to feel worthy and beautiful. This mindset was a great way to navigate the dating scene and led me to many eye-opening moments.

My first year was spent on Tinder, and I became a frequent swiper. A 2018 study by The Journal of Behavioral Addictions found that women are more likely to use Tinder for «true love» and to boost their self-esteem. This was a very relevant finding to me. My 18-year old self wanted to be able to access on-demand mood-boosting comments and conversations. Online dating would also make it easier for me to find «the one».

While most of my matches ended in casual connections, some were able to lead to long-lasting «situationships». Although I desired an exclusive relationship, my preference was for undefined dynamics in order to keep their attention and affection. Many times, I ignored warning signs and ended up being the victim of narcissism and gaslighting.

However, my turbulent relationships were not limited to apps. In the early 2020s, I met someone I knew through a mutual friend and we dated for over a year. Although we had many wonderful moments in our relationship, they became overshadowed by the turbulent moments.

After that breakup, I reverted to my old swiping habit in order to feel better. After a series of pointless conversations with my matches, I was forced to ask myself: Why don’t you just stop dating?

I felt emotionally and mentally drain (and had for some time). These feelings were not something I had previously acknowledged. I knew that I had to get out of the dating scene. Since then, I have deleted all dating apps from my smartphone and been focusing on my holistic happiness. My self-growth journey and self-love has been both triggering and healing over the past six month.

This involved me analyzing all of the relationships and «situationships» I have been in. Being a writer, it’s natural for me to write about the highs and lows of each experience. Although it isn’t easy to rehash past traumas, it has helped me get clear on my goals and aspirations for the future. It is possible to find a therapist who can help you learn and work through these issues.

It is important to set boundaries. Exes can often creep back into your life and it is easy to fall back into old situations as they feel familiar. I would have given up if an ex asked me to meet up. But that is no longer the case. To protect my mental health, I have learned to say no to ex-boyfriends and to cut out toxicity from my life. I am focused on a brighter future and not on the past.

Throughout this time, I have also tried to understand myself better. I’ve asked myself repeatedly, «Who am I?» This question has inspired me to look into my interests and find hobbies that bring me joy. I have been able cultivate my passions, such as podcasting and learning new languages.

In my quest to understand myself better, I have also been able to explore my self-care habits. I have been able to recite daily affirmations and call out the qualities I admire in the mirror every day. This has helped me to be more confident in my appearance and help me navigate the future.

My identity was not defined by romantic relationships. I have come to realize that I am complete. My worth doesn’t depend on my relationship status. Being myself has made me the most happy I have ever been, and allowed me to fully embrace the power of independence.

It is beautiful to love, and I long for a partner. But I want to have the opportunity to do so in a healthy manner. To do this, I must take a break. There is no set date for when I will return to the dating pool. I am choosing to trust my instincts and intuitions to tell me when it is the right time.